School Skills 101: The Schedule

We're approaching the one-month mark of the semester, are you starting to burn out yet?  Yeah, I thought so.  It's tiring, your university lifestyle, what with all your frat hijinks, and the binge drinking.  By now, you've probably met your crush for the year; the first meeting was in the coffee line, right?  He or she accidently bumped into you as he or she was leaving, and looked up to apologize, and as a smile slowly grew across his or her face, light-hearted music softly swelled in your head.

Guru tip: It was probably from your iPod.

Presently, the two of you have developped a strong chemistry, but neither of you has had the gall to admit your feelings to the other; can't give away the climax too early.  With all that going on, who has the time for classes?

It's almost as if university-set movies pay no attention to that part.

Never fear, your guru is here to help you henceforth.  Beginning next semester, you will never again have to worry about your schedule interfering with what college is really about.  I must point out that my perception of 'what university is really about' has come about because my schedule is allowing me to watch copious amounts of college movies.  It's....... probably great, or perhaps horrifically depressing.  Anyhow...

Guru Tip #1:  Register as Normal

To achieve the perfect schedule, one cannot set out to do so.  Copy that sentence down, and tape it up on your laptop when you are going to register.  I know, it seems counter-intuitive, but trust me, it will work out. Register for the classes that sound interesting to you.  Try to group together those classes so they're bunched together as one block, preferably only on a couple of days per week.  Now, walk away from the laptop.

Guru Tip #2:  Get a Bad Feeling While Working on a Term Project

Now, your hypothetical schedule might look like this:  Mondays and Wednesdays, 10:30-4:30, comprising three classes.  Well done, it's almost complete.  Now, you're procrastinating on your English term paper the night before it's due (if you need tips on procrastination, check out that lesson - it will help you have more productive procrastination), and you get a bad feeling.  Load up your schedule preview.  You made a mistake, didn't you?  That's okay, guru here to let you know it's all part of the process.

So you registered for the same English class that you're currently working on.  It's the middle of your three classes.  The key here is to prioritize: immediately stop working on the essay that is due in 8 hours, and begin scouring the list of classes for a replacement.

Guru Tip #3:  Choose the Right Replacement

Here is where the skill portion of scheduling begins.  While before, you chose classes based on ones that you wanted to do; this time, however, you will be selecting based entirely on when the class meets.  By now, you've sold yourself on having school only two days a week; we don`t want to wreck that.  We're looking for a class that is also Mondays and Wednesdays, from 12:30-2:30.  If you find it, register.  If it has a waitlist, get on it.

Guru Tip #3 (a): The Waitlist

If you're on a waitlist for that replacement class, also register for GIS class as a backup, just in case you don't make it into the regular class.

Guru Tip #4:  Reap the Benefits of a Four Day Weekend

Either way your replacement has shaken down, you only have school on Mondays and Wednesdays.  Enjoy the four day weekend; I assume you're going to use it for more college hijinks.  Make sure that you take some time out of that to read up on my lesson on study sheets, you know, just to get ahead of the curve come exam time.

Until next time, class dismissed.

The narratology of sports

Why do people like sports?  I have several theories: they enjoy the competition; escapism; they're economic behemoths.  I will always watch sports highlights - this is because I will never tire of watching people performing something exceptionally well.  But the reason above all else that I enjoy sports is because I think they're narratologically fascinating.  The storylines that play out in professional sports are incredible - sometimes because they truly are incredible, and sometimes because it's incredible that the storyline has been created.

If you're a fan of hockey, think back to the 2011 Stanley Cup Finals, and how the narrative of Roberto Luongo vs. Tim Thomas was made.  It was fabricated off of one Luongo quote, the (for some reason) infamous "Pumping his tires" quote.  When asked about the game winning goal from Game 2, Luongo replied that it would have been an easy save for him.  And then the media promptly exploded.  It was the most innocuous of quotes; one that had nothing to do with Thomas, and one that had everything to do with the fact that the Canucks' season narrative had been that Luongo was being forced to play further back in his net due to his new goalie coach wanting him to adjust his style.  From there, every goal that beat Luongo where he wasn't above the top of the crease was chalked up to his "new style".  The goal in question, was a hyperbolic example of a goalie being out of position, so Luongo's comment was poking fun at the Vancouver media.  Due to needing something to write about on non-game days, the media took the quote and ran with it, saying that Luongo was being disrespectful of Thomas, which led to Luongo saying "I've been pumping his tires since the series started."

I think that the whole situation was ridiculous, but very interesting.  Sports narratives are versatile too; they don't apply across the board.  I was part of a conversation online recently regarding the Blue Jays and Marlins trade.  Of the four major North American sports, baseball is the one I am the least knowledgeable about, followed by football, and then I'm well versed in NHL and NBA happenings.  Well someone wrote that they thought the trade was bogus because Miami had traded away good players for monetary reasons, and not, as he said "for baseball reasons".  This struck me as very odd, because, to my mind at least, the two are entirely interconnected.  Professional sports function entirely due to economic reasons, so why should a franchise making a financial decision be invalid?  His opinion was far from unique, it was one I read about several times, despite not having any insight into the fairness of the trade.  I couldn't help but to interject myself into the debate by likening that trade to another one that had happened just a couple months earlier: James Harden's departure from Oklahoma City.  The Thunder traded away a key player because they would have had to pay a luxury tax next year had they kept him.  End of story.  The trade was entirely economic in motive.  Yet no one was up in arms about its validity.  Sure, people lamented that the Thunder didn't suck it up and pay the tax, but everyone understood why it happened.  This disconnect in justification is something I just don't understand.

The most captivating game of the whole NBA season thus far has been the San Antonio Spurs playing the Miami Heat, wherein Spurs coach Gregg Popovich sent his top four players home prior to the game to rest them.  The NBA commissioner, David Stern, announced that serious consequences would befall the Spurs for doing a disservice to the League.  The rationale was that the Spurs benching their stars was Popovich deciding to throw the game.  Stern announced this several hours before the game.  The fact is, Stern was upset because it was a nationally televised game.  End of story.  What unfolded was a basketball game pitting the defending champions against San Antonio's bench, and I couldn't look away.  It was incredible.  Would it have been without Stern's ill-timed comment?  Probably not.  It would have just been a game that was close, in which the Spurs sat their veterans.

I write this, not because I have a definitive thesis on the narratology of sports and what it means, but because I don't want to deal with Canucks fans who will inevitably get caught up in the Luongo vs. Schnieder narrative.  Schnieder's first game as "official starter" went poorly, and at the end of the second period, a CBC poll showed 64% of voters wanted Luongo to start tonight's game against Edmonton.  I implore you, if you are a fan of hockey, just a fan of the Canucks, a Vancouverite who has a vague understanding of the goings-on of hockey, or one who hates hockey and loves reminding people of how stupid the enjoyment other people derive from it is, don't buy in to this narrative.  I've long maintained that Vancouver has some of the worst hockey fans, and I hope that you do a little to prove me wrong.  If you watched the season opener against Anaheim, you would know that goaltending was not the only problem, nor, I would argue, was it the primary problem.  So please, just don't.  I will profoundly enjoy the fact that sports narratives exist, and I am interested to see how this one plays out, but that doesn't mean that I want you to ask me what I think about the idea of the Canucks trading Luongo now.  It will exasperate me, and I don't really want that right now.  Thank you.

Glow Bowling

When I was younger, there was no birthday party at a higher premium than glow bowling.  The walk down the stairs at The Ridge, leading to the blacklit lanes were euphoric, causing us all to grin like idiots.  This in turn caused us to grin even more when you noticed your friends' teeth glowing, like some sort of psychedelic vampire.

It could have just been a big, empty room with the blacklights, and we would have still probably enjoyed it.  Throw in the bowling, and it became perfection.  A quantifiable way to compete against your friends?  There's simply nothing better.

The proverbial victory lap after throwing a strike or a spare was a mad dash back to the scoring booth to witness the screen flash its neon X or /, validating your accomplishments.  The best I ever bowled there was a 196 (let's just gloss over that time I got 66...).

I'm jealous of him.

Flash forward to the recent past: The Ridge is closing.  A friend's birthday is coming up and glow bowling is the plan.  I enter Grandview Lanes for the first time; to me, glow bowling had been synonymous with The Ridge; the first few steps in are eerily surreal.  Though the birthday girl is in her late 20s, little has changed in the allure.  Selecting clothes that will blind your peers, highlighters to draw on everyone within arm's reach (there is a higher quota of penis drawings now than in the past, I notice), it's still the same except for the availability of liquor.  The bowling is tangential to the experience this time, and I suspect again that were it just a blacklit room, no one would notice.  I feel more like a kid than I have in some time.  It's a nice feeling.

Birthday parties have passed me by; I'm still in the days of bowling parties, while the norm is now clubbing.  I'm perfectly happy going to other people's birthday parties, more than that, I enjoy it a lot.  But as for my own, I don't remember what the last birthday party I had was (conceivably, it could have been glow bowling).  All I want to do on my birthday is chill out, have some nice food, and have a conversation with kid-Tyler about how things are going.  I imagine this year he'll show up glowing under a personal blacklight, white t-shirt beaming brighter than any birthday candles could.  Maybe I'll take him bowling.

To borrow from a poet I like, Temporary, The Ridge.  And happy birthday Summer, thanks for making me feel like a kid briefly.

An open letter to that teacher you dislike

And so begins the semester of hate.

Look. I get it that you don't want cell phones being a distraction in your class, but you seem to have a genuine hate-on for technology.  What do you mean you don't check for or respond to student e-mail?  Do you realize that's just a reality of your profession in this day and age?

Speaking of your profession, you're an English teacher; if you want to patronize me on day one by saying "You do all know what a metaphor is, right?", then be sure not to turn to the white board and write down "Her eyes are like stars".  This is not the first impression you want to set.  Mixing up similes and metaphors is something you're supposed to correct, not do.  If I were to describe you with a metaphor, I would say you are like a buffoon.

Back to your technology rage, I get it when you lament the disappearance of independent magazines.  The Internet has not been kind to the medium, and that sucks.  I mean, look at me, I'm using a free online blogging website; why would I bother going through a middle man if I were a writer?  It is sad, it really is.  But you lost me from your side a few minutes later.

I'll fill everyone else in for context.  So there you are, lamenting the fall of indy-mags, saying they were the training grounds upon which fiction writers used to cut their teeth and hone their craft, then you say "Can you even name a successful contemporary fiction writer?"  To me, it seemed obvious, and apparently it was, because the entire class, as one voice, responded J.K. Rowling, because d'uh.

I won't get into it here, because Harry Potter deserves many posts all its own, but I will just say, yes, that was an appropriate answer to your question.

...Yet you hesitated.  And said "Well, it's a bit different when you're writing for something to be turned into a movie".

BOOM!  My head exploded with uncomprehending rage.

Mark my words, I will ace your class just out of spite.  Maybe I'll send you passive aggressive e-mails every day as well, that you'll eventually discover when you realize that it's part of your duties as an instructor now.

I'm a wordsmith

I invented a new word.

Rather, one of my classmates did, but I'm claiming credit for it (shhh, don't tell him).  he's sitting behind me in class, and eventually leans forward to ask what my coffee cup says.  It's a DAVIDsTEA to go cup, which are seemingly fused to my person -- and, on a side-note, a former co-worker (who now happens to work there) decided that the name David suits me better than Tyler -- and my classmate explained that he had thought the cup said sipster.  I glanced down and was able to understand the confusion.

I mean, only from that exact angle do I see it, but yeah, I see it.

It seems obvious to me that sipsters are a thing (much to the chagrin of my auto-correct); we just needed a word for them.  I'm sure most of you have already figured out what a sipster is (isn't it wonderful how English is so versatile that I can blurt out wordthoughts and you already know what I'm talking about?!) but I'll explain anyways because I'm so excited about this new word, and also because I'm certain that officials with the Oxford English Dictionary read my blog and will be thankful for having been provided a definition so as to lighten their workload: A sipster is a sub-genre of hipsters who express their hipness through their coffee and tea beverages.

The sipster can be found anywhere caffeine can be purchased (which is to say, everywhere), with the highest population density within a four block radius of an independent coffee shop or any tea house.

A most likely incomplete map of "Coffee shops in Vancouver B.C..  Also, that's only downtown Vancouver.

Oh they gravitate to the local Starbucks as well, but only in dire circumstances, ensuring that their order is no less than 10 syllables... Unless they're having drip to be ironic.

Don't misconstrue my explanation as being derisive of sipsters: inside the cup my classmate asked about was a peppermint matcha tea, topped up with soy milk, foam, and sweetened with agave; I'm a sipster through and through.  Hell, I only leave DAVIDsTEA when either my bladder or the employees object to my presence.

Fellow sipsters, this is your call to arms.  We must spread the word to the masses; take to your Twitter accounts, #sipster will be a thing!  Continue to order those half-caff-no-foam-soy-caramel-macchiatos as if it's a normal and reasonable thing to do!  Look down your noses, through those thick rimmed, non-prescription glasses at those heathens gulping down the murky poison that is the Tim Hortons medium roast!  Preach to them that their suckling from the caffeinated teat of The Man is responsible for the gentrification of our neighbourhoods!

...Just be sure to not be overly convincing, because the sipster's existence is contingent on the ability to feel superior to others based on an arbitrary marker like tea.  So, you know, just shame them a little.

Western Conference Predictions

Follow up to the Eastern predictions (duh).

Western Conference

1) St. Louis Blues (CEN)   

The St. Louis Blues were the second best team in the league last year, and will have the benefit of a goaltending tandem splitting the workload of the season.  I'm not suggesting that Brian Elliot posts the same numbers as last year, but I don't think the regression will be all the way to the mean; his season will be above average.  Ken Hitchcock's defence-first system will be an asset, as Western conference teams traditionally play a less open game than their Eastern counterparts.  Pietrangelo and Shattenkirk patrolling the blueline will help ensure that the defence remains solid.  Look out for Backes to have a monster year.

2) Los Angeles Kings (PAC)   

The defending Cup champions will be icing essentially the same roster that steamrolled through last year's playoffs.  I enter every single season looking at the West and thinking "Holy shit, the Kings are going to be great this year!", only for them to underachieve, and me not feel anxious about them at all.  I have the same outlook this year, and with Jon Quick being backed up by Jon Bernier, not many goals will be scored against L.A..  This minimizes the effect of Kopitar being out of the lineup to begin the season.  Holy shit, the Kings are going to be great this year!

3) Vancouver Canucks (NW)   

Hockey's seeding ensures that the divisional leaders obtain the top three seeds in the playoffs.  This iteration of the Canucks is not the third best Western team, I say they're fifth.  Still, due to the seeding, they fall here. Schnieder's situation mirrors Tukka Rask's in that a more than capable backup is getting his first full season workload.  Schnieder should be up to the task.  Kesler is out for who knows how long; he and his agent are hinting that it's possible it won't be until the playoffs.  Couple that with a defence that is, while still solid at the top, thinner than it has been in years, and the shortened season will see a statistical step back for the back-to-back Presidents Trophy winners.  The second line is in shambles, and if this team can't produce on the powerplay, then it's difficult to call them legitimate Cup contenders.  The fact is that the Canucks have long benefited from playing in one of the weakest divisions in the NHL.  I'm not saying this is the year someone displaces them, but the North-West as a whole improved, which should see the Canucks winning percentage against its own division (last year, .771) take a hit.

4) Anaheim Ducks (PAC)   

Boy were the Ducks bad last year.  This year will be different; Perry, Ryan, and Getzlaf are simply too good to be that bad again.  Same goes for Jonas Hiller.  I think that Anaheim will be powerhouses of the West this year, competing with the Kings for the division title.  The Teemu Selanne farewell tour begins Saturday in Vancouver, as it will likely be his last season.  Can he continue to produce at such a high pace?  I think that he'll still be considered a consensus top-6 player (on a team, not league-wide), so no problem there.

5) Chicago Blackhawks (CEN)   

It pains me to type this as a Canucks fan, but the Blackhawks will be good.  Yeah, they don't have the depth that won them the Cup.  Yeah, their goaltending leaves much to be desired.  But they will benefit from having a young team, and from Detroit likely taking a step back this year.  The Blackhawks' success, much like the Canucks', will be dependent on whether the powerplay can be effective.

6) Detroit Red Wings (CEN)   

Gone are Lidstrom and Kronwall.  A rookie called Damian Brunner is likely going to be the top line forward.  Gone is Hudler.  The Red Wings are in a mini-transformation period; a small bump in the road for an extremely well run team.  They'll be a tough matchup almost every night, but this is not the season that the Red Wings run away with the West.

7) Dallas Stars (PAC)   

I'm not sure what to think of the Stars this year to be quite honest.  Jamie Benn is still unsigned (though that be sorted out within a couple of days), and Jagr is going to be a focal point of their offence.  I don't know why (hell it might just be wishful thinking given that I have Lehtonen in my fantasy hockey league), but I think the Stars will surprise some people this year.  For the past two seasons, they have been vying for a playoff spot right up into the last week of the season.  This year has to be playoffs or bust; if they miss this year, it might be time to blow it up.

8) Minnesota Wild (NW)   

Twin $98 million contracts to Parise and Suter means the Wild are a better team.  They're not great or anything, but certainly better.  This team tends to be streaky and that will be a huge factor in this shortened season.  I think that Mikael Granlund will have a big impact with the club this year, and even though Danny Heatley is just awful, the Wild will make the playoffs.

9) Phoenix Coyotes (PAC)

Shane Doan is getting older, and Mike Smith won't have as good a year.  It'll be a tough year for the defending Pacific division champions.

10)  Edmonton Oilers (NW)

Tons of exciting young players won't be enough to get the Oilers into the playoffs this year.  God, could you imagine if they won the lottery a fourth year in a row?  Because that's a possibility now with the restructured CBA.

11) Nashville Predators (CEN)

Am I overrating the effect Ryan Suter's departure will have on this club?  Maybe, but I think that Weber will have a slightly harder time with his new defensive partner, and the fact the Weber seemed intent on getting out of Nashville will be an awkward elephant in the corner until he proves otherwise.  Any team with Rinne in net will be competitive, but the Preds will fall short.

12)  San Jose Sharks (PAC)

The once-powerful Sharks are a shell of themselves.  For those of you who don't know, I hate Joe Thornton, and will be pleased to see this team miss the playoffs.

13)  Colorado Avalanche (NW)

Good young players, but not enough to make an impact.  I do love Landeskog and O'Reilley though.

14) Calgary Flames (NW)

I predict that Hudler is a massive bust.  I feel bad for Kipprusoff.

15) Columbus Blue Jackets (CEN)

When you lose your best player and were already the worst team, you're in trouble.  This isn't Coach Carter on ice.

Eastern Conference Predictions

So NHL hockey is back.  Training camps open today, the season begins on the 19th, and so I'm back in the mindset of thinking about hockey.  That has been on pause since September, but now I feel the need to make predictions about the coming season.

Some notes about this season:
- A 48 game season will be conducted over the course of 99 days.
- The schedule will be entirely intraconference play.
- The format of the playoffs remains the same.


Eastern Conference


1) New York Rangers (ATL)     

The best team in the East last year has added Rick Nash to its forward corps.  Provided the roster stays healthy, there's no reason that there shouldn't be an uptick in the Rangers' offence.  In terms of defence, the team re-signed Michael Del Zotto earlier today, and have Henrik Lundqvist in net.

2) Boston Bruins (NE)   

The Bruins should benefit from the shortened schedule.  The Bruins' M.O. is rough play and intimidation, and without a marathon of a season, they should be able to bring a high intensity every night.  The Bruins were also dominant in their own conference last year, and there should be no reason for that to change drastically. There is something of a question mark in net in Tukka Rask, but that's only because he hasn't had a full season's workload yet.  He has the skill to be an NHL starter, so it shouldn't be too huge of an issue.

3) Washington Capitals (SE)     

The Southeast division is basically up in the air.  Alexander Ovechkin should have a better year than last with a new coach that will give him more leeway on offence.  The hole - if you want to call it that - left by Semin's departure has been filled by Mike Ribeiro, which is a bit odd because the two players have similar reputations as talented players whose work ethic is sometimes scrutinized.

4) Pittsburgh Penguins (ATL)   

Losing Jordan Staal is a blow; he brought far more to this team than his third line role suggested.  Still, with a defence headmanned by Kris Letang, and both Crosby and Malkin in their lineup, they're in good shape.  I find that people either greatly overestimate or underestimate the Penguins; this I feel is accurate.  They are a dangerous team with or without Crosby healthy, but he should be for the first time in two years.  On the flip side, I've heard people knock the Penguins because of their goaltending.  Yes, Fleury was a special kind of bad in the playoffs last year, but I think he'll be better this year.  And even if he falters, they have Vokoun backing him up, a more than capable goalie.  The Penguins will be good, end of story.

5) Carolina Hurricanes (SE)   

Jordan Staal left the Penguins to play with his brother Eric, and they will be joined by Semin.  Cam Ward is the kind of goalie that can get hot for three weeks at any time, and that means much much more in a shortened season.

6) Philadelphia Flyers (ATL)   

This is basically a contract year for Ilya Bryzgalov.  With buyouts available to teams next summer, the club has got to be taking a long look at their situation in net.  Claude Giroux is one of the elite players in the league, but I think that he regresses this year, but only slightly.  The Flyers open their season on the 19th against the Penguins, which should be awesome.  Don't miss this game.

7) Tampa Bay Lightning (SE)   

Steven Stamkos: best goal scorer in the game.  Lecavalier and St. Louis are still in the mix, along with youngster Teddy Purcell.  I think that the Lightning should be on the upturn in the nest few years, but with it looking more and more likely that Ohlund won't be returning from surgery any time soon (if at all), and Sami Salo's health always a question mark, I don't see them being a powerhouse in the East quite yet.

8) Buffalo Sabres (NE)   

Ryan Miller: good to great goalie.  That means a lot in the NHL.  Cody Hodgson has a chance to man the first line at the beginning of the season.  The Sabres have an owner who seems willing to spend as much money as he feels necessary to improve his team.  They should sneak into the playoffs this year.

9) Florida Panthers (SE)

Only won the division last year because all the other teams were disasters.

10) Toronto Maple Leafs (NE)

Burke's abridged re-imagining of the franchise begins their first campaign without him.  No Luongo likely means just missing the playoffs (*With Luongo, I see them at seventh, which bumps Buffalo out.).

11) New Jersey Devils (ATL)

Over-achieved last year.  Martin Brodeur is older; Parise is gone.

12) Ottawa Senators (NE)

I feel they also over-achieved last year, and that resulted in an 8th place finish.

13) Montreal Canadiens (NE)

Carey Price is good, Scott Gomez is being sent home so that he isn't injured when he gets bought out in the summer, and Subban should be re-signed soon.

14) Winnipeg Jets (SE)

Brutal travel in a year that has no inter-conference play.  Likely will be an above average home team, but an atrocious road team.

15) New York Islanders (ATL)

Eastern conference sandwiched by New York teams.  Good young players, but just not a great team.  Matt Moulson is underrated as a goal scorer.

A post that is far from purrfect

There's a kitten trying to help me write this.

I've decided that he'll be allowed to contribute at a later date, but today, we're on a tight time frame to get this done before the end of the day.  I really need to work on scheduling this better, but we're still at a post per day pace, so there's that.

This kitten looks a lot like my cat does: all black, though the kitten has a white heart-shaped patch near his junk.  I've always been a cat person, not just because I've had a cat for almost my whole life; it goes beyond that.  I will forgo people for most cats - as I write this with a kitten curled in my lap, there are several people outside; I'm sure I'll socialize soon, but now I have a cat with me.  Life is good.

When I was a kid, Creamy, one of two childhood cats, could always tell when my sister and I were sad.  Whenever Sophie or I were crying, she would come sit on our laps and purr and purr until we were feeling better.  That's probably the moment I became a cat person for life.  Eeyore was a big, half-siamese cat that could bring down crows larger than he was.  I know this because he'd hide them behind the TV for us to find at a later date.

Now that I'm talking about my cats, I want to elaborate, but I don't have the time.  Pictures of the kitten are pending another post, as he belongs to someone else.  Pictures of my cats are forthcoming in a future post.

****I do apologize to anyone who reads this for the lack of both content and quality.  It's not fair to have subpar content in favour of quantity, and I shall work on adjusting that.  For now, if you have a cat, go give him or her a good pet and have a cuddle with it.  Same goes for dog-owners.  Those who don't have a pet, go scour the backyards of your neighbours until you find a household that has a pet.  Covertly break in and cuddle with them.  Don't worry, I said it's alright.

TV Show of the Year: A Cracked 64 ripoff

The beginning of the year is the time to look back on what has just passed us by - through Top of the Year lists.  While many will be publishing their lists of the best of 2012, I'm more interested in what happens over at Cracked; they try to identify what typified the year that was.  This is, to me, far more interesting, and so, I will be offering my take on the same 8 categories that Cracked's columnists wrote on.

Movie

Tweet

Person

Song

Video Game

Photo

Video Clip

*     *     *

TV Show of the Year: Community

Community has largely been off the air for 2012; the second half of season 3 aired through early May, and then NBC pulled season 4 from its fall lineup.  But, returning to my statement that 2012 was defined by a revolution of sorts that has led to the wall between media and audience shrinking, it was also the show that best defined the year.  

It's no secret that Community has a loyal fan base.  The show has earned it ten fold, and when NBC pulled it, there was an absolute uproar.  This is unfortunately nothing new for fans of the show; season 3 only aired that late because the same thing had happened the year prior.  There is a battle being waged between a following that believes this is one of the smartest shows on television, and a network that deems it unmarketable.

October 19th was set to be the air date of season 4, a season that had been curtailed to 13 episodes, and had the creator and director, Dan Harmon, removed from his position.  After all that, NBC still decided to not air it, prompting the cast and crew to film this short, reassuring fans that the show will air, and that whenever it does, it will be October 19th in spirit.

It's been confirmed that February 7th is October 19th, so adjust your calendars accordingly, and settle in to watch a show that is likely only airing because its fans regularly vote it as the top show on NBC's website, among other places, and have kept it alive despite the network clearly not wanting anything to do with it.  I'm still holding out for 6 seasons and a movie.  And hopefully the movie is crossed with Cougar Town, because that would be just great.

Runner Up: The Olympics

Okay, sure, I'm cheating because it's not actually a TV show, but this post is already going up late, and it was a huge televised event.  Can you just give me a break on this?  Thank you.  Tomorrow, I will be back to regular scheduling - that is, entirely random stuff.  I apologise for the poorly written post; I was with friends all evening, one of whom is back from Hong Kong for only a brief time.  I'm sure you understand.

Video Clip of the Year: A Cracked 64 ripoff

The beginning of the year is the time to look back on what has just passed us by - through Top of the Year lists.  While many will be publishing their lists of the best of 2012, I'm more interested in what happens over at Cracked; they try to identify what typified the year that was.  This is, to me, far more interesting, and so, I will be offering my take on the same 8 categories that Cracked's columnists wrote on.

Movie

Tweet

Person

Song

Video Game

Photo

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Video Clip of the Year: Call Me Maybe - US Olympic Swimming Team

I'm just going to link to the video right here, because in the past I've had some difficulty with embedding video clips on my blog.  If it hadn't been for Gangnam Style blowing up the way it did, Call Me Maybe would have probably been my runner up in 'Song of the Year'.  For the better part of the year, it was everywhere, and I mean everywhere.  On the radio, playing in the car passing by you on the street, in an Olympic viral video; just everywhere.  I tried to convince myself that, while I liked Ben Howard's cover, I didn't like the original, but I don't think that's true; it's catchy in the best possible way.  I do prefer the Howard cover though.

Anyhow, the US Olympic swim team produced that video, of them all lip syncing along with the song, to the tune of 10 million YouTube views.  It was a brilliant marketing move: take an immensely popular song that is difficult to actively dislike, and show your athletes singing the hell out of it.  Throw in some hand phones and you're golden (hopefully not only in the metaphorical sense given that it's the Olympics).

Usain Bolt's viral video just repeated that line over and over.

The London Olympics were the most watched Olympics in history, and the best viral video Olympics in history as well.  The US' video also happens to sum up what the IOC tries to tell you about the Olympics: It's all about unity and the bringing together of nations.  They forget to then mention that nations are brought together so as to try to crush them in competition and return home with the most impressive medal count, but hey, half way isn't bad.  Call Me Maybe unintentionally manages to capture the IOC's message, given that the American team is just enjoying the hell out of a Canadian singer's song.  To give it bonus points, it was written by another Canadian as well.

Going to use pretty much any excuse to work in Josh Ramsay references from time to time.

Runner Up: Call Me Maybe - Chatroulette

Seriously, this song was everywhere, and I would argue was at its best when it was a video of someone dancing along to it.  This is by far my favourite of such videos, seriously, if anything on YouTube deserves a view, it's this.  Many many times.

Photo of the Year: A Cracked 64 ripoff

The beginning of the year is the time to look back on what has just passed us by - through Top of the Year lists.  While many will be publishing their lists of the best of 2012, I'm more interested in what happens over at Cracked; they try to identify what typified the year that was.  This is, to me, far more interesting, and so, I will be offering my take on the same 8 categories that Cracked's columnists wrote on.

Movie

Tweet

Person

Song

Video Game

*     *     *

Photo of the Year

I'm honestly not sure if this is cheating or not.  Are gifs (or is that .gifs?  Or GIFs?  I really am not sure.) eligible for this category?  Hmm, I'm not sure, but I'm going with it anyway, because I can link to this GIF through Blogger's 'insert image' button.

Felix Baumgertner's freefall was one of the most amazing videos I watched this year, and, in true 2012 form, it was pretty much immediately turned into a meme.

No, this isn't a cop out, GIF is the American word of the year, according to Oxford American Dictionary.  While it's certainly not a new concept, GIFs are a cultural product of the Internet.  Our propensity to turn everything into a meme knows no bounds.

Now, maybe I'm looking into this too much, but YOLO was also on the shortlist for word of the year...

Runner Up: Mars

This is seriously the coolest thing ever.  Some scientist was likely stoned out of his mind, and thought "Dude, what if we just send a camera to Mars," and in 2012, after several expeditions, Curiostiy is the best Mars rover we've sent up.  No big deal, just sending a rover up to Mars.  Enjoy the pics it sends back.  Standard stuff, apparently.

Video Game of the Year: A Cracked 64 ripoff

The beginning of the year is the time to look back on what has just passed us by - through Top of the Year lists.  While many will be publishing their lists of the best of 2012, I'm more interested in what happens over at Cracked; they try to identify what typified the year that was.  This is, to me, far more interesting, and so, I will be offering my take on the same 8 categories that Cracked's columnists wrote on.

Movie

Tweet

Person

Song

*     *     *

Video Game of the Year: Diablo III

Diablo III was the hugely anticipated third installment of Blizzard's PC game.  So highly anticipated in fact, that when it was released in May, it promptly crashed due to an overload of their servers.  It was finally worked out, and players have been doing their thing on it since.  I'm not sure exactly what 'it' is, so I'm speaking generally on purpose.

The reason I say it is the game of 2012 is that, even in the one-player, solo campaign mode, you need to be logged in online.  To me, this is absurd; when I play my video games, I want to do so without distractions.  I don't want to gripe too much, because I know that the prominence of online gaming is here to stay, and that a lot of people love it.  Myself, I like platformers and RPGs; Mario is my video game messiah.

Now, Diablo III is my choice because it was so used that it rendered the servers unusable  and it's because every major release seems to have online play.  Hell, the Wii U console, to the best of my knowledge, requires you to be logged in at all times.  This means that, even when you are not playing a game online, alerts and messages will pop up on your screen.  I've owned every Nintendo home console since the SuperNES, but I have no plans to purchase the Wii U; it's just not my thing.

Several years ago, I was fairly into video games, while now, not so much.  It's just that the industry is not trending toward what I happen to like, and that's alright, I just won't partake.  Until they make the next Mario adventure on the Wii U - then I'll in all likelihood succumb to its majesty.

Nope, nothing weird about this.

Runner Up: Journey

When this game dropped, I heard great things about it, but it wasn't until I read Cracked's rundown of video games of the year that I learned what was being praised.  I won't spoil it here (though if you're into video games, you likely already know), but suffice it to say that it utilizes the online trend beautifully.

Song of the Year: A Cracked 64 Ripoff

The beginning of the year is the time to look back on what has just passed us by - through Top of the Year lists.  While many will be publishing their lists of the best of 2012, I'm more interested in what happens over at Cracked; they try to identify what typified the year that was.  This is, to me, far more interesting, and so, I will be offering my take on the same 8 categories that Cracked's columnists wrote on.

Movie

Tweet

Person

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Song of the Year: Want it Back - Amanda Palmer & the Grand Theft Orchestra

My actual selection is "Insert Any Song From the Theatre is Evil Album", but Want it Back gets the nod since it was the first song off this album that I heard.  I'm new to Amanda Palmer's work; I began listening to her music the day after she had played in Vancouver (great timing...), and this album is just fantastic.  Yes, I know that the premise of this list is to identify what typified 2012 rather than what my favourite song was, but in this instance, they are one in the same.

There are a lot of ways that Theatre is Evil is different than the songs that occupied the airwaves in 2012.  It didn't receive mainstream airplay, and was released independently (Palmer had had a previous falling out with her former record label, but that's a story for another time).  Its genre is not immediately obvious, containing elements of pop, alternative rock, indie rock, and Amanda Palmer (I'm giving her her own genre). It is neither dubstep nor k-pop.

Or the two combined.

So, how does a song that received no mainstream play typify 2012?  Because it was made in the way that music should (and I think will) be made available to the public.  Palmer funded the production for the album on Kickstarter.  If you've never heard of it, it's a crowd-funding platform that allows artists to connect more personally with their audience, and for the audience to fund the projects that they wish to aid.  What I said about Twitter tearing down a wall in the media applies here to; it is this that I believe to be the defining trend of 2012.  Amanda Palmer is of the same mind in regards to music, and puts it far more catchily than me (I have to make up words like 'catchily'):

Her Kickstarter video, asking fans to help her fund the album received nearly 25,000 donations totalling very nearly $1.2 million, the largest amount pledged to any one music campaign in the site's history.  Palmer drew a lot of criticism for the incident; I for one, think it's brilliant.  Record labels receive too much power for being, frankly, mostly unnecessary middlemen in the music industry.  If fans want to invest their money to an artistic endeavour, then they should be encouraged to do so.  Everyone who donated received the album, and depending on the amount donated, various other merchandise.

Amanda Palmer drew criticism again for asking for volunteers to play with her and the band in the various cities they were touring.  Again, I see nothing wrong with this, but to each their own.  While the album is available in record stores, it's also available online in a pay-what-you-want format.  You should give it a go; I guarantee you it's worth at least a dollar to you.

Well said, Amanda.  Well said.

Runner Up: Psy - Gangnam Style

When you're the most viewed video in the history of YouTube, and it was accomplished in just 6 months, you're in the conversation for Top Song of the Year, regardless of what measurement is being used to determine "Top".

Person of the Year: A Cracked 64 ripoff

The beginning of the year is the time to look back on what has just passed us by - through Top of the Year lists.  While many will be publishing their lists of the best of 2012, I'm more interested in what happens over at Cracked; they try to identify what typified the year that was.  This is, to me, far more interesting, and so, I will be offering my take on the same 8 categories that Cracked's columnists wrote on.

Movie

Tweet

*     *     *

Person of the Year: Mitt Romney

Yes, Mitt Romney is my choice for the person who best typified the year that was.  Why, you ask?  In one word, 2012.

That is, the apocalypse.

Okay, first thing's first: if you were a Romney supporter, then we fundamentally disagree on at least one thing, but don't click away; I promise, I'm not going to be hurling verbal feces at him.

Romney and the Mayan 2012 prediction go hand in hand.  For one thing, had Romney been elected, for some, it would have been the end of the world.  Myself, I made a promise that I wouldn't enter the States while Romney was president.  I'm not saying that Romney in the Whitehouse would have literally been the apocalypse, but I do think that the narratives surrounding the two are analogous.

Let's take the Mayan prediction to begin with.  Speaking retrospectively, we know that there was nothing to get worked up about, but it had been a while since Y2K, and we had just gone far too long without thinking the world would end.  So when it was noted that the Mayans' calendar stopped after December 21st, 2012, we naturally worked ourselves into a frenzy - not excessive hyperbole - that the world would in fact end.  In what manner this would happen was never really committed to; there was the Planet X theory, which posited that a planet was going to sneak up on the Earth and ram into it, like in the picture above.  Given that no telescopes had ever caught a glimpse of the supposed death-planet, I'm assuming that Planet X's plan was to yell "What's that over there?!", and while all the astronomers turned away, it would make it's move.  Thus far, no signs of Planet X, although that's not altogether surprising given that it was basically started by a woman named Nancy Lieder, who had made the same prediction about May 2003 - because aliens told her in her head.  The article I linked is kind enough not to mention her by name - or the aliens for that matter - but I'm not.

It was also put forward that the Mayan prophecy foretold of the rapture; which is ridiculous because the Mayans were not Christian.

I'm sure there were more theories as to the 'how' of the apocalypse, but they all neglect that for any of these theories to be considered plausible, it must first be accepted as fact that the Mayans were prophetic wizards.

Anthropologists' best guess as to what the Mayans looked like.  There is much debate over whether they would have worn purple, or periwinkle.  You can see where I stand in this heated issue.

Seriously, every scholar on Earth was rationally explaining why the world wasn't going to end, and we decided to err on the side of caution and be afraid of an ancient people who got bored of writing out the calendar a couple millennia in advance.  At least Y2K had the uncertainty about what our technology could do going for it.

Where does Mitt Romney enter the equation?  Right here, because I'm going to start talking about him now.  Side note: I really nailed that segue.  There was almost no chance of Mitt Romney winning the election.  Dan O'Brien of Cracked (yeah, this week on my blog is all about drawing from Cracked) points out that Romney was basically chosen to represent the GOP so that their more prolific politicians could have a chance in 2016.  Given that the incumbent has only ever lost 10 times, Romney was pretty much just a placeholder.  But it would be boring for the media to run that story for a year, and so a narrative identical to the 2012 end-of-the-world was created.  Mitt Romney is my person of 2012, because he and the Mayans' prophecy have identical narratives.