A business venture/Guide to my tattoos

On the Hockey Night in Canada broadcast tonight, it was mentioned that Scott Gomez hasn't scored in nearly a calendar year - February 12th was his last goal.  He makes $7 million per year.

Think about that for a minute.  That's a lot of money.  If you aren't familiar with the basic principals of hockey, allow me to put this into context for you:

As a forward in the NHL, Gomez's job description could be adequately summarized as "Put hockey pucks into the opposing team's net."  So, in effect, he has been paid $7 million dollars for failing at the job he's intended to perform.

Every variation of "Scott Gomez" I search on Google Image in an attempt to find a photo of him rubbing his wealth in the faces of the audience yields this result.  Somehow, this is worse.

Now, I can understand if you are currently feeling a certain level of hatred for Scott Gomez and his bank account, but I'm channeling those feelings into a positive direction:  Figuring out a way to also achieve fortune by doing absolutely nothing as well.  That's right, Scott Gomez is my new financial idol.

The question now becomes "How can I make money with no effort involved?", or, to pose it as a calculus word problem, "Maximize  P(x) with profit (P) being subject to effort (x) being asymptotic to line line y = 0".  It's important to frame the question in a suitably math-y sounding way for two reasons:

1. It allows me to turn around and use a phrase like "Math-y sounding" without my intelligence being too badly compromised.
2. Putting this into an intellectual context allows me to make the following tenuous segue:

They're tattoo sleeves and sadly exist outside of the sitcom-television world.  Here's a quote describing the product.

With this incredible invention, you can get a fierce tattoo as quick and easy as putting on a shirt. Just slip one of these tattoo sleeves over your arm and you'll be the envy of every dock worker and biker chick for miles around.

 I'll make personalized tattoo sleeves so that you can make your arms look just like mine!  They may not be the first tattoo sleeves on the market, but I feel I can provide a welcome alternative to the zebra pattern that is currently available.

My apologies; it's called "Blue Feather".  Also, I'm going to tell you right now, this isn't what biker chicks like...

Obviously I can't expect you to just order a pair without being properly informed, so I'll now provide a guide to my tattoos.  Then you can order them.  Just send me money (I prefer cash) and expect to receive them within 4-6 weeks.

Hobbes

These were my first tattoos, in December from when I was 18.  Lots of people who see them go "So are you a big fan of the comics?

....... Well they are, you know, permanent, so I should hope so.  The 'stuffed Hobbes' is taken directly from a strip (although I can't remember which), and 'live Hobbes' is adapted from the first strip, where Hobbes is caught in the tiger trap.  The meaning goes beyond just an adoration for the comics, which are, collectively, an absolute masterpiece.  Allow me to paraphrase Bill Watterson regarding whether Hobbes is a creation of Calvin's imagination, or a legitimate character.


I left it [Hobbes' nature] intentionally ambiguous, because it really doesn't matter.  Firstly, it would dilute some of the charm if I gave a definite answer, don't you think?  But also, it makes no difference if Hobbes is "real" or not.  What is it to be "Real" anyway?  It's all a matter of interpretation.


This is the best visual metaphor I can think of for my belief that we all interpret the same things differently, and that that's entirely natural.  As for how I picked which arm each would go on, it went like this:  'Live Hobbes' is the more dynamic interpretation; I am right handed, therefore right-side dominant, so 'live Hobbes' found a home there.  Also, at the time, my dad expressed the opinion that they should have been the other side up, but I disagree.  My tattoos are for me, so I like that when I look at them, they are properly oriented.


Approximate time of tattooing: 2 and a half hours.

Anarchy is Love

A quick word if you're planning on getting a tattoo on the inside of your bicep:  It hurts.  This was both my shortest tattoo, and also the most painful.

Anyway, this was the tattoo that went the quickest from concept to tattoo; all the others were planned for months and months (in some cases, years) in advance.  This one though, got pushed to the front of the line for a few reasons; it's relatively small, I wanted to incorporate colour in my next one, and I was enamored with heart imagery for tattoos.  

It's a take on the "Anarchy is Order" symbol, and I outlined in my mind what I wanted it to be before heading over to Google to try to find it (second result).  It was essentially a walk-in appointment - I went in and asked "When's the soonest you can book me for this?", and two days later BOOM.  

I'll now explain it.  I feel that the process of questioning why we are supposed to do or think certain things is a philosophical form of anarchy - cognitive anarchy, if you will.  I feel that this can be interpreted as a form of love for the self.  If you notice, the heart and the A are intertwined, which to me signifies that it can go the other way too: Love itself is a form of anarchy.  Humans biologically are not programmed to be mate for life.  Yet we treasure the notion of love more than anything.  It's anarchy against our biology, and I feel there's something beautiful about that.

Approximate time of tattooing: 1 hour (thank goodness it wasn't longer).

Open Your Eyes, Life is Beautiful

I mentioned this tattoo in another post.  This is the aforementioned years-in-the-making tattoo, the idea behind which, is a song.  This song.  It's one of my favourites and the first verse is one that I adore.  Anyhow, I finally decided to get it done.  This isn't what I had in mind when I brought the idea to my dad's friend though.  In my mind's eye, both lines of text were under the girl, and she was originally meant to have eyes of the backs of her hands, as if she were both seeing and not.  Several of my friends were adamantly against this, Keillor most eloquently summarizing it as "Dude, that's fucking creepy Pan's Labyrinth shit."  In the end, it wouldn't have worked angle-wise, and honestly, I think it looks better like this.

When I told Rickie I wanted to get it soon, he asked me to being him a photo to gauge the angles off of, so I enlisted Maria's help.  Rickie included Maria's ring and wristband as well as the fact that she was wearing a hoodie to give the image more flare, and consequently, Maria's likeness was captured on my shoulder.

Here she is, oddly enough wearing a wristband on the same arm.

This has given birth to an odd question from people who sort of know both of us, but not really well.  The question is some variation of "Oh, you and Maria, are you / were you / do you have aspirations to be an item?", at which point, I shudder (Not meant to offend you Maria).  I think that getting a tattoo for/of a girlfriend is both the tackiest and the worst thing you could ever do tattoo-wise.  Also, Maria and I would be a terrible couple; she'd probably murder me within weeks.  

As I said, this was the only tattoo that was pretty much entirely artist-created in terms of design, and I love how it turned out.  There's an explanation of its meaning on that other blog entry (go read it).

Approximate time of tattooing: 3 and a half hours.

Dad's Soul

This was done over two sessions; one for the outline, one for the shading.  Here's the background behind this:  Rickie has done a few paintings for Dad, the first of which was a depiction of his soul.  I saw it, loved it, and when I decided that I wanted a tattoo for each of my parents, knew this would be my dad's.  

The skull in the center with the rosebud eyes is my dad, surrounded by skyscrapers; the hustle and bustle of the city (They're hard to see from that angle; look at the back of my arm in the middle to see one side of them).  Above and below lies imagery pertaining to Heaven and Hell, symbolizing the presence of both Good and Evil withing the individual.  That's the short explanation; there are many smaller intricacies within.  It's definitely the largest of my five.

Approximate time of tattooing: 3 and a half hours for the outline; 5 hours for the shading; 8 and a half in total.

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There's your guide, feel free to order multiple pairs of Tyler Tattoo Sleeves; they make great gifts!  Just send me your arm measurements (length and circumference).  Not for sizing, but because I have an arm-size fetish..... (Google says that isn't a thing.  This is an instance where my policy of not editing out the weird things I type makes me seem weird.  That's okay though; I am.)  They sell for $39.99 a pair, or $300.00 for a dozen pairs.  Gotta take advantage of that bargain!  Order now, so that I can become as rich as Scott Gomez while applying just as little effort.

Honestly, he's a more efficient hockey player like this.