School Skills 101: Procrastination

It's your knowledge guru here, back for more wisdom sharing.  If you're new to the class, catch yourself up with our first lecture on the art of the study sheet.

Studying is hard.  All you want to do is go have a nap, or have a 10 hour Seinfeld marathon, I get it.  I've been there too.  You've got a test tomorrow and literally anything would be easier than learning your course material.  You're slogging your way through the readings because you know that procrastination is bad for you.  WRONG!!  You're overworking your brain; just check out this pie chart I've made to demonstrate my point.

If only there were more room for Teddy Roosevelt in your brain.

As you can see, you need to accommodate the schoolwork portion of your brain, and so rest periods are a necessity.  So how should you go about getting them?  You might be inclined to schedule periodic rest times to recharge your mental batteries, and then go back to studying.  That would be dumb though.  Boy, it's a good thing you have me here to help guide you to gurudom.  Prepare yourself for some prime guru'ing.

Scheduling rest times means that your brain has to designate a portion of its think-stuff (add that to your vocabulary list; there will be a test on it soon) to keeping track of when your rest times begin and end.  There's no need to be so mentally inefficient.  Instead, you need to learn the art of the spontaneous procrastination.

This is your sensei.

Spontaneous procrastination (S.P.) is a technique that is far more nuanced than one might think.  Sure, you've probably procrastinated before, but it's likely been at the novice level (an S.P. level of 1-4); giving 30 minutes of your time to watching George take an IQ test, or scouring Facebook for a few hours, looking at every picture in a 200 photo album belonging to a stranger who is mutual friends with that one person you met once and added.  Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Operating at a novice S.P. level is perfectly acceptable, after all, statistically speaking, procrastination is how you found, and why you are reading this article.  Once you've mastered a level 4 S.P., however, you should begin challenging yourself.

I'll walk you through an example intermediate S.P. (level 5-8) exercise.  It is necessary that one has a beard for this.  Guys, if you don't, then your first procrastination exercise should be to grow one.  Be sure to track progress in a journal and calculate at what rate of growth you are progressing.  This should keep you occupied for a while.  Girls, testosterone injections are one option, but a washable-marker-beard will suffice.

Darkest Timeline beards are also acceptable.  But only as a last resort.

When the desire to procrastinate hits, shave (or wash, in the case of marker-beards).  But don't shave clean, just periodically change the beard whenever you're burnt out from studying.  What makes this an intermediate S.P. level is that you're able to track your procrastination in units that don't correlate with time.  Whereas with Seinfeld you might watch 3 episodes (an hour and a half), or with Facebook you might be on there for 2 hours, at this level of S.P., you can keep track of procrastination via the use of photos.  Observe:

Hey, that ended up not half bad...

Oh god, nevermind.  That got hideous quickly.

Muttonchops should always be in style

My face feels naked.  Time to break out the washable marker and start over.

Guru fact: your image of a guru probably has a beard for exactly this reason.

Should you master intermediate S.P., you can progress to level 9: Expert.  In this level, your procrastination time is utilized to create a ranking system for procrastination, with an in-depth detailing of where different procrastination techniques rank in relation to each other, and why.  Once you've accomplished that, you will be one step closer to being a knowledge guru yourself.

Now you can go back to studying, with the knowledge that your brain is ready to fully delve into your coursework.

Titles hate me today: This is about genies

The working title of this piece was "Genieus", a tenuous pun achieved by lengthening the pronunciation of the word 'genius' into 3 syllables.  I had to scrap it because whenever I looked at it, all I saw was a portmanteau of 'genie' and 'us'.  Not only is this a terrible portmanteau because of the fact that both words appear in their entirety, which would be profoundly lazy, but it also implies that the core argument of the piece is that within each of us exists the potential to actualize the things we wish for.

It's actually a piece that I wouldn't mind reading if someone were to write it, but I had no intention of attempting it, and therefore had to ditch "Genieus" for the far-more-eloquent title above.

Let's take a hypothetical situation.  For the purpose of this, we establish that genies exist.  This isn't common knowledge, and they are incredibly rare; no one within 3 degrees of seperation of you, perhaps even more, is aware that genies exist.  But the fact remains that they do.

Feel free to take a moment to go rub any lamps...   You never know.

So one day, you're walking with your friend, and a genie emerges from a bottle on the side of the road.  The genie grants the two of you three wishes.  You and your friend immediately use the first wish to have the genie appear identical to Genie from Aladdin, because really, how could you not use the first wish for this?

Perfect.

The genie now looks like Genie, but in two dimensions.  Genies tend to twist your words around, with unexpected results.  This is of course very visually jarring, but it's better than having specified a three dimensional alternative, because if you had, the end result would have probably been this:

It bothers me that this photo is easily accessible outside of the context of this hypothetical. 

You and your friend are now left with one wish each.  I pose two questions of this hypothetical situation: What do you wish for? And what should you wish for?

Before we delve into these questions, a sidebar to elaborate on the dickish nature of genies, prefaced by two jokes, found here and here.

A guy goes into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. While waiting, he sees a guy sitting at the bar who has a very big muscular body but a tiny head. So he asks the guy, "How is it that you have such a huge body and a small head?"The guy replied, "I was walking along the beach one day and I came across this bottle buried halfway in the sand. So I picked it up, brushed away the sand, and out popped this fine female genie. She said she would grant me three wishes for releasing her."For my first wish, I asked for ten-million dollars, and POOF right there on the sand was $10,000,00."For my second wish, I asked for a luxury yacht, and POOF right there on the ocean was a 90-foot yacht."Finally for my third wish, I asked to have sex with the genie, but she said that genies were not allowed to indulge in those kind of activities." So, I said, " c'mon, how about a little head?" 

A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, "What will it be?"The man replied "A burger and a coke."  "I'll have the same," the ostrich replies. They finish their meal and pay. "That will be $4.50." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount. They do this every day until Friday."The usual?" she asked. "No, today is Friday. I'll have steak and a coke.""Me too." says the ostrich. They finish and pay. "That will be $10.95"The man reaches in and pulls out that exact amount, just as he had all week.The waitress is dumb-founded. "How is it that you always have the exact amount?""Well," says the man. "I was cleaning my attic and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared." Wow!" said the waitress. "What did you wish for?""I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket." "Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars. But what's with the ostrich?" "Well," said the man. "I also asked for a chick with long legs."

Genie lore seems to have sprouted from the Islam faith, which tells of the Jinn, creatures who lives in a parallel world to humans, who have free will, and are generally painted as wanting to tempt humans (to whom they are invisible) with evil.

The crux of both of these jokes (and they are far from the only two) is that the person who found the genie spoke in an ambiguous manner when wishing, and as such, the genie saw fit to mess with them.

With the knowledge that genies will take any opportunity to fuck you over in mind, what would you wish for?  And more importantly, what should you be ethically compelled to wish for?

I'll examine the second question first, and then provide my answer to the first.  This question came up in a discussion I had, and the first thing I thought when asked what I should wish for was 'Probably something that would improve the world'.  The person with whom I was discussing said their wish would be for all the Earth's water to become clean, which is an incredibly admirable, selfless wish.  But it would cause problems.

Firstly, there's always the possibility that we would then re-pollute our water supplies, assuming that it would become clean once more.  I certainly wouldn't put that past human beings.  The larger problem, in my opinion, is how would this phenomenon be explained?  Remember, to the rest of the world, this would appear to have been magical.  We know it was a genie, yes, but the rest of the world doesn't.  And if you were to come forward saying "Oh, it was just my genie wish," you'd never be able to convince the majority.

"Guys... my genie.  I'm telling the truth... Why won't you listen to me?"

Further, something on such a grand scale would discredit a lot of scientific knowledge, because, thanks to science, we know that you can't just un-pollute the world's water supplies.  I feel that, while noble, it would be detrimental to wish for something like that.

So, what should one feel obligated to wish for?  If it's personal gain you're after, I'd suggest phrasing your wish much like the guy in the second joke did.  When I have to pay for something, I wish to have that exact amount in my pocket.  (on a side note, that second joke is made far weaker by the fact that he was smart enough to phrase his wish in such a sophisticated way, but also wished for "a bird with long legs".  Hmm, is there any way this could be misinterpreted?...)

Giggity.

I'm not saying one shouldn't feel obliged to use their wish in a way that benefits the world though, in fact, I would encourage it.  Through the process of writing this, I decided that a wish should be used for something like "I wish that people would open their eyes to the fact that the belief that there isn't enough food to feed the world is a myth".  Something that would profoundly change our collective outlook on the world, but that doesn't violate the laws of how we understand the world.

To address the first question I posed, when I identified my now-circumvented problem of wishing for something large-scale, I settled on I wish to read the Harry Potter series without context again.  I was advised to include a clause that established that Alzheimer's was not a factor in any way.  I am a big fan of this clause.

My mind would orgasm if this were possible.

The thing that interests me is what would one wish for?  And is there a disconnect between that and what one feels they should be obliged to wish for?  For me, it would be awfully hard to turn down getting to read "The Prince's Tale" and having my mind blown a second time.  And besides, we don't need a genie to realize there is enough food on this planet to feed everyone.  Stop being complacent in being told there isn't!

The definitive guide to monkey trees

Childhood is a funny thing.  Not everyone gets to wile away the days watching Space Jam and jumping on, off, around, and sometimes through, every playground you passed by.  For example, I assume that Torontonian children grow up in a concrete jungle devoid of foliage and fun, in a world that only changes when it's blanketed in 3 feet of soul crushing snow.

Although if you made snowmen like this, then you win.

Torontonians, don't organize an angry mob to hunt me down just yet.  I'm not arbitrarily picking on you, I'm doing this because one of your own doesn't understand monkey trees.  I know, terrible, eh?!  Now that we're on the same page Torontonians, I'd appreciate if you allowed me to outline monkey tree protocol.  Cool?  Cool.

If I wanted to pick on Toronto, I wouldn't stray from the bread and butter.

This is a monkey tree:

It is named as such for two reasons:  Firstly, its branches resemble a monkey tail (probably true).  Secondly, these trees are more tropical than the majority of trees found in urban areas; monkeys are more tropical animals than most city animals; ergo the two got associated (almost certainly not true).  In any case, it's called a monkey tree.  When one sees a monkey tree, if one is with another party, one may pinch the second party and say "Monkeys bite, can't bite the butcher back!"  (Monkey tree leaves are pointed and quite sharp, which I suppose could be construed as a bite.)  There's a one pinch per tree maximum, so be sure to get your pinch in quickly.

That's the only rule of monkey trees (it's not all that complicated Toronto, teach your children these things!), but I'll explain the mandatory phrase, because admittedly, when I first thought about it instead of just parroting it, it didn't make much sense.

"Monkeys bite, can't bite the butcher back!"  Yes, monkeys have teeth and can therefore bite.  But monkeys can't be butchers, silly children's saying, who ever heard of animals doing people things?

Except looking far more badass driving than you can ever hope to.

Okay, maybe I interpreted that wrong, let's try again:  Monkeys bite.  Fact.  Entirely unrelated to the second clause, I just wanted you to know for sure that monkeys are capable of using their jaws to clamp down upon an object...  And then your local butcher bites you, perhaps to just really drive home what the act of biting is.

Yeah, that doesn't make much sense either, unless we live in a world where the holders of one of the few occupations that involve using really sharp knives to cut up flesh also have a propensity to dine on human drumsticks, and I don't want to live in that world.  So let's try a third option to try to make sense of this saying: "Monkey's bite, can't bite the butcher back!"  Adding the apostrophe to make this a possessive finally yields some sense.  Some horrifying, gruesome sense.  What this implies is that you, the butcher, have beheaded a monkey that was just chilling out in his or her tree, and are now using it's probably still-bleeding head to bite your companion.  Because apparently everything about childhood rituals need to have a basis in death.  Yikes!

Harry Potter thoughts Part 2

I must say that I love that Harry Potter series is entirely accessible to younger generations.  I spent a while today talking to Oliver, who recently finished reading the series, and it's just fantastic that the books continue to help kids discover a love for reading.  Without further ado, here's Harry Potter thoughts Part 2 (tee hee, I rhymed).

- Oliver and I were discussing where each book ranks in terms of our favourites.  We both rank The Deathly Hallows as our favourites.  I find that most hardcore HP fans also feel this way.  I haven't yet figured out if this is due to it being the best written book of the series, because it does such a wonderful job of tying up all of the storyline arcs, or simply because it receives a sentimental bonus.  I suspect that it's the first two reasons I listed, but I certainly won't discount sentimentality.  My least favourite book in the series (and don't take this to mean that I don't like the book, because I still hold it in high regard) is Chamber of Secrets, whereas Oliver said Philosopher's Stone.  Personally, CoS felt too similar to the first book and Prof. Lockhart did very little for me as a character.

And he was cast poorly too.  The majority of the female wizarding community is supposed to have a thing for this guy?  Really?  I find this hard to believe.

- Special Mother's Day tidbit: Upon the release of each book, my Mum would read it aloud to my sister and I.  As such, we finished the books after most other people.  This led to me avoiding my friends like the plague until we had finished reading so nothing got spoiled.  Thanks for reading those to us Mum!  As soon as we had finished the books, I would take it and read it through myself as well.  Just thought I'd mention again that I really like these books...

- When I'm at work, I absentmindedly hit "62442" on the register screen a couple dozen times per shift.  One of these days an entrance to the ministry of Magic will appear.  I just know it will.

- I know this isn't strictly about the books, but since I mentioned that the second book is my least favourite book, I should also mention that it's my least favourite movie.  While the book has many redeeming qualities (it introduces Horcruxes for one thing, and the Vanishing Cabinet for another), the movie is just plain bad.  I really don't have anything good to say about it, so instead I'll say bad things about it: it almost ruined Dobby for me because of how badly designed he was.  The Basilisk was awful too.  The entire movie feels as if the director just tried to transition each plot point onto screen with no regard for cohesion.  I could go on, but it would make me sad.

This image is nightmare personified.  If I had paid serious attention to this movie, I probably would have wound up cheering when I read the passage where Dobby died, instead of crying.

- Does anyone else feel that Hermione is a bizarre name?  Objectively, it is.  It wasn't until I got the audiobooks that I realized that her name is pronounced Her-my-oh-knee; I read the first three books through the first time pronouncing it Her-me-own.  The strangest part of that to me is that while I don't think it was unreasonable to mispronounce the name this way, I'm fairly certain that there will be baby girls given her name for the next 20 years or so... And no one will ever mispronounce their name.  Yet people manage to mispronounce mine on occasion.

So I finished the book I was reading today (Neverwhere; good read), which means that I will be starting Philosopher's Stone alongside another book.  Next week's HP thoughts will be focused on Philosopher's Stone, so if you're like Oliver and that's your least favourite, well then, tough luck.

Harry Potter thoughts: Part 1 of many

Here's something that you probably already knew about me:  I love the Harry Potter books.  I have a tradition where every summer I re-read the series, and it's approaching that time of year again, so I've got Potter on the brain (and Hermione, but for other reasons.).

If ya know what I mean.

J.K. Rowling created a series that was so well tied together that I'm not even going to try to have this blog post be tied together into proper paragraphs, because it's a foregone conclusion that I won't do as good a job as she did.  Below are the first thoughts that popped into my head about Harry Potter; it's necessary I limit this to the first things I think of, because if I sat down to compile an exhaustive list of Potter-related thoughts, this post would never end.

- When I was younger, I liked falling asleep listening to something.  I had the first four books on audio cassette (a process that involved borrowing the audiobooks from the library and then my Dad going through and recording them onto blank tapes for me.  Thanks Dad, you're kinda wonderful.  And by kinda, I mean very.) and would listen to them every night.  They took up half a shelf of my bookcase, and were very well used.  I only had the first four because I had outgrown my need to listen to something while I fall asleep by the time the fifth was published.  I listened to them so many times that when I read the first four books, I now hear Jim Dale's voice in my head.

- The first three books were gifted to my sister and I by our cousins when we visited them in London when I was 7.  This was before the series had become a full-fledged obsession in Canada; I remember being surprised seeing a poster in Duthie Books for The Prisoner of Azkaban when we got back home.  I read the back of Philosopher's Stone before we began reading them:

Harry Potter thinks he is an ordinary boy -- until he is rescued by an owl, taken to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, learns to play Quidditch and does battle in a deadly duel.  The reason: HARRY POTTER IS A WIZARD!

I remember having thought that the book would be terrible.  I'm pleased I was wrong.

- I'm going to read these to my kid(s) (still years away; having kids right now would be a nightmare.) and it'll be interesting to see how they handle the maturation of the content.  One of the amazing things about the books for my generation was that I aged along with Harry, Ron, and Hermione.  My reading level and maturity level was mirrored by the novels' content.  The topic of relationships within the books began to crop up as I was reaching puberty.  The fluidity of the content is an important component to the magic these books have in my opinion.  I feel as if it might even be necessary to ration the books for my kid(s) due to their changing content.

- My kids are getting Hogwarts acceptance letters for their 11th birthdays.  I remember wanting one with every fiber of my being, and even genuinely thinking there was a chance I would receive one, so I will be living that dream through them.  Unless they don't like the books, but then they'd be no kids of mine...

- I absentmindedly punch in "62442" on the screen at my work several times per shift.  One day an entrance to the Ministry of Magic will appear...

Like I said, I could go on about this stuff forever, so I'm going to end this post here.  I think that I'll include 5 more Potter thoughts every Sunday because I feel as if I need a regular blog post topic mixed in with all the random stuff.  For now, Harry Potter will be that regular topic.

The French Prince of Bel-Air

High school is a time when you gain some invaluable education, being mentally stimulated and challenged by your teachers and peers.  You tackle difficult math problems and write eloquent essays... or, you know, perform rap songs translated into French.  Either or.

The majority of how you spent your high school career.

In Grade 10 French class we had to perform a song in groups.  I seem to recall that most groups did songs that were French, but me and my group were visionaries.  We translated and performed the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.  I assume it was the greatest thing my teacher had ever seen, because in my mind, it brought tears to her eyes.  Although thinking about it now, maybe she was weeping for the death of the French language.  But probably it was out of pride.

I mentioned the performance to a coworker when he was talking about Fresh Prince, prompting him to ask for me to perform it.  Don't get me wrong, I remember that we did this, but it's not like I kept the lyrics all those years.  Well he went and told the bakers that I would be singing Fresh Prince in French, so all of a sudden that became fact apparently.  So on a one week time span (actually, I translated most of it at work while it was slow so technically I got paid for penning these lyrics), I put together quite possibly the best song ever:

En ouest Philadelphie je suis né et vivais
Dans le cours, pendant le jour, c'est où j'étais
Relaxant avec les gars, jouons basketball
La meilleure place de le faire c'est en dehors de l'école
Quand deux ou trois gars, des vraies espèces de seins
Faisaient des ennuis pour mes vousins
J'étais en une seule baggare et ma mère a eu peur
M'a dit "Tu vas à Bel-Air pour vivre avec ma soeur"

Jour après jour, "Mom, no, please!"
Mais elle a déjà mis tous mes choses dans une valise
Elle me donne un bisou, et puis mon guichet
Alors je commence mon iPod; ma musique est frais
Première classe, c'est plus que chouette
Je bois mon jus d'orange dans une glasse un peu comme un roi
Est-ce-que c'est comment les gens de Bel-Air vivent?
Hmmm, peut-être ça marchera
Mais attendez, j'ai pensais qu'ils sont tous bourgeois
Est-ce que c'est le propre type de place pour moi?
Je ne sais pas
Je verrais quand j'arrive
Comme Prince de Bel-Air!

J'ai sifflé pour un taxi et quand c'est arrivé
La plaque disait FRAIS et y'avait même des dées
Si rien d'autre je dirais le voiture est rare
Mais ce n'est pas important, à Bel-Air dans mon char
Je suis arrivé là à sept ou huit heures
J'ai demandé "La famille Banks, c'est le leur?"
Je surveille mon royaume, la meilleure sur Terre
Assis sur mon throne, le Prince de Bel-Air.

If you try to rap alongside the video in the link above, just know that I added a couple lines from the full version of the song to the end of verse 2.  The timing should still work as long as you don't take the pause that Will Smith does in the third verse before getting to the Banks' mansion (presumably this is to convey time passing while riding in the taxi -- who ever insinuated that Will Smith's lyrics aren't clever?!)

Congratulations are in order

You know what's awesome? (Not the new format for composing blog posts... It's just floating there all weird...)  Dicovering that you really enjoy something that you thought you only kinda liked.  A coworker of mine does slam poetry, and I'm not real knowledgeable about the medium.  Don't get me wrong, I do like spoken word, I just don't have a large sample size of it, and so it remained something I only liked, and on the rare occasion, loved.

So he mentioned he'd be performing, and I said I'd come.  And then, I missed it.  Sorry!

When I showed up to my next shift, another coworker asked me how the show had been.  I told her, I didn't make it, but Alberto said that his roommate is performing the following week.  So we made plans to go see Erin perform.  Incidentally, if you're ever in the mood to watch some poetry, check out Cafe Deux Soleils on the Drive on a Monday night.  


The show we went to was her semi-final round of the Vancouver Poetry Slam tournament to get to earn a place on the Vancouver team.  And everybody was awesome.  No hyperbole; I'm not just trying to be poetic to fit in, it was great.  Erin advanced to the finals too (she's kinda awesome that way) so guess where I was tonight.  


If you guessed at Deux Soleils, well you'd be wrong, but only because the finals were held at the Rio Theatre.  Top 4 of 8 finalists make the team, and by mid-way through the show, I think I was as nervous as some of the poets.  Once again, just absolutely phenomenal performances all around.


Then came the moment of truth: She made it!  Serious props to all 8 poets, but specifically Erin.


Anyway, over the past 8 days, I've come to realize that I really enjoy slam poetry, and that Vancouver has a pretty awesome poetry scene.  And what's that you say?  It's currently the Vancouver International Poetry Festival week?!  Well then get out for some of their events, you may discover you have the same affinity as me.  Or hell, just go do something different this week, just to see, deal?


(I take back what I said about the new layout.  By the time I finished writing this, I was used to it.  Not that it makes a difference to you since only I see it.  Or anyone else who writes a blog I suppose... The end.)

Jumping through hoops to prove my worth to the worthless

It's been quite awhile since I've written a blog entry, but I totally have a reason, I swear!  Today was my last day of classes for this term, which naturally means I've spent the past two days frantically pulling together a term paper for my English class.  While you sit there shaking your head, tsk-tsk-ing (totally a word; I'm going to use it in my next term paper) at me for putting it off until the last minute, again, I have a reason.  The world was busy pulling an elaborate April Fools Day joke on me: all of a sudden the calendar said it was April, but I knew that couldn't be true because then I'd only have 4 days to do my paper, and I totally have tons of time to do it..... Oh..... Fuck.

I wish it was only 2:15 when I got to bed.

Anyway, I got it done (only had to stay up until 4:15), and I'm officially done my schoolwork for the term.  Sure, there are exams over the next couple weeks, but those are far less stressful than having a deadline rapidly bear down on you.  I really need to refocus on writing on here frequently, so that's how I'm going to spend a large chunk of my break.  You know, once I've actually gotten some sleep.  I've been dragging myself into DAVIDsTEA to get "something really caffeinated please" over the past couple days.  This paper's deadline marks roughly the 1 year anniversary of when I stopped drinking coffee; all my caffeine comes from the copious amounts of tea I drink now.

This is my way of life now.

Outside of watching the Canucks games, I haven't done anything objectively or subjectively fun in the past several days because of schoolwork, so now that I'm free I'm going to treat myself.  A coworker of mine performs slam poetry, so I'm going to go see a slam event tonight (Alberto, if I fall asleep while you're performing, it's because of the lack of sleep last night, not because you suck.  Unless of course you do in fact put me to sleep, in which case I claim no responsibility.).  And then on Saturday my friends are going to be performing at the Pit in UBC.  If you're reading this, you should come; it's free!  Of course, at least 95% of the people reading this will already be going anyway, so it's not as if I really needed to say that...  But Blogger informs me that I have readership in Russia and Germany, so I will direct this to them:

Come see Man Chat! on Saturday.  The concert is free, so it'll be quite affordable for you to travel here, stay for Easter if you'd like; I'll have an egg hunt with you.

Man Chat! just released a single and are going to be releasing an EP in the summer.  Yes, I'm shamelessly plugging them, but when you've known 80% of the band since you were 5 (the fifth guy isn't so bad either), then they get shamelessly plugged.  It helps when the music is actually good.  This entry's title is taken from a lyric from the single, but depending on your level of cynicism toward writing papers for post-secondary, it's oddly fitting for an end of term post too...

That's all for now.

More shameless plugs!

A season review (a.k.a. Bring on the playoffs)

The Canucks have clinched the Northwest division officially.  In reality though, it's been a done deal since the new year.  It's at this point of the season that I can no longer pretend to get excited about the winding down of the NHL season.  82 games is too long; there is now a dead zone to me until April 11th.  In the meantime, I'm going to go through the 30 teams and try to say something about each of their seasons.


Anaheim Ducks


The Ducks' season seems like such a waste now.  They were inexplicably bad at the beginning of the season.  It went beyond Visnovsky's broken hand, they were just bad.  But then they found their footing and rose up from the West's basement to the West's limbo.  And now, they don't even have a shot at getting a big draft pick.  



Highlight: The whole team grew mustaches for Movember, and Jonas Hiller had arguably the best goalie mask of the year.

Lowlight:  Jonas Hiller cost me my hockey pool right off the beginning of the season.







Boston Bruins



The defending Stanley Cup champions are going to head into this year's playoffs as odds on favourites to reach the Eastern Conference finals once again.  I personally don't see them coming out of the East, but you've got to give them credit for stretches of complete dominance this year.


Highlight: 6-0 against Toronto, outscoring them 36-10.  Seguin records 11 points to Kessel's 3.

Lowlight: Brad Marchand.




Buffalo Sabres


What a bland season the Sabres have had.  I was trying to think of their season, and the only thing that popped to mind was Lucic running through Miller.  They're in a fight with Washington to make the playoffs, so they've been decent.

Highlight: Vanek and Pominville playing out of their minds for most of the season.

Lowlight: There was a point in the season where the fans were calling for Jonas Enroth to be the starter over Ryan Miller.  Now that they're right in the hunt for the playoffs, I don't hear them.



Calgary Flames


Ugh.  Kiprusoff's ridiculous talents are being squandered on a team that doesn't have an identity, doesn't seem invested in playing defence, and can't even manage to be competitve in the league's weakest division.  Oh, Iginla's pretty good too.



Highlight: Watching this highlight package, you would think the Flames were a pretty good team.



Lowlight: They're not.  This team is built around players that their GM traded away, then traded for.  There's a word for that: Clueless.









Carolina Hurricanes



I'm betraying my lesser knowledge of the Eastern Conference here: the Hurricanes were more nondescript to me than were the Sabres.  Their captain was useless for the first half of the season and that sunk them right there.



Highlight: Jeff Skinner has proven that he is more than just a rookie sensation (see: Steve Mason).



Lowlight: They brought in Kaberle, thinking it was a good idea (to their credit, they realized their mistake and traded him to the Canadiens).









Chicago Blackhawks



Although they have the same stars that won them the Cup a few years ago, this team just isn't deep enough to do so again.  Nevertheless, they are in the process of solidifying 6th place in the West while being 4th in their division.  That's unreal.  They've survived a tough division, multiple injuries to their captain, and Patrick Kane's douchiness.



Highlight: I really do hate this team, so everything they do is viewed through a pair of Fuck-You-Vision glasses, but I'll give them credit for leading the West for 6 weeks or so with the season in full swing (and being  6-2-2 in their last 10 games as of this writing).



Lowlight: A 10 game losing streak, their worst in 5 years.  









Colorado Avalanche



This is a young, skilled, hungry team that should (but won't) make the playoffs.  I know the season isn't over yet, but they simply don't have enough games left to gain ground in the incredibly tight West.  Next year looks promising though; especially if Matt Duchene can find his scoring touch with more consistency.


Highlight: Gabriel Landeskog is the front-runner for the Calder award for best rookie.  He's a very complete player and should be very dangerous in the years to come.

Lowlight: The reason the Avalanche won't be in the playoffs is because they couldn't win in their division to save their lives.  They have an abysmal 7 wins as of this writing, with only 1 more divisional matchup left on their schedule (Calgary).




Columbus Blue Jackets


This team was supposed to be competitive this year.  They brought in Jeff Carter and James Wisniewski in the off season and were poised to be a decent team.  Now, they're the worst team in the league, they've traded away Carter, and Rick Nash is likely on the way out too.  That leaves the team with Wisniewski and Jack Johnson to build around.


Highlight: They will likely get the #1 draftpick this year.  Seriously, that's as close as I could come to providing a good point to this season for the Blue Jackets.  #TankCityOnIce (I apologize for using hashtags...  I feel shame.)

Lowlight: Take your pick.  There's the inconceivable-in-Bettman's-NHL 1 point through their first 8 games.  There's the fact that their GM is utterly incompetent.  There's the fact that their franchise player wants out.  There's the fact that this is the worst team in the league by far.  There's the fact that Steve Mason is their #1 goalie.  I'll stop now.








Dallas Stars



Dallas has had a confusing year.  They were the best team in the league for the first month, then were awful once Lehtonen got injured.  He's back, and they're currently leading their division and 3rd in the West.  Sounds pretty good right?  Well, they're only 2 points away from falling out of the top 8.  For a fan base that had to endure missing last year's postseason due to losing on the final day of the season, this must be a nerve-racking time.

Highlight: The Stars know how to win tight games; they're 12 games above .500 with an even goal differential.

Lowlight: It could be still to come.  The Stars have 2 games against division rivals San Jose.  Those 2 games will likely decide if the Stars finish 3rd, 8th, or even miss the playoffs entirely.




 Detroit Red Wings



Every year I think the Red Wings will start showing their age.  Despite Henrik Zetterberg's apparent efforts to make the Wings mediocre for the first half of the season, they continue to do things like break all-time records that seemed unbreakable.  Also, Lidstrom is almost certainly a T-1000 programmed to play hockey.  There's simply no other explanation.


Highlight: An all-time best 23 game home winning streak.  The previous best was 20.

Lowlight: The Hyde to their home record's Jeckyll, the Wings are only 16-21-3 on the road.  That's only one road point more than Montreal - the last place team in the East - has mustered thus far.




Edmonton Oilers


It's been the same old story for the Oilers this year.  They have great young talent in Eberle, Hall, and Hugent-Hopkins, but find themselves near the bottom of the standings once again.  This team is about 3 years and one elite defenceman away from being legitimate.


Highlight: For the first two months of the season, this team seemed as if they were a playoff team; their offensive power, bolstered by the 2nd ranked PP, can be explosive with the last two #1 draft picks, and another top 5 likely on its way.

Lowlight: They can't stay healthy.  Hall and Nugent-Hopkins have both missed significant amounts of time due to injuries and without them, this is still the Oilers team that tanked so badly that they wound up with the draft picks to acquire those two players.  And now Hall is having shoulder surgery and may miss the beginning of next year.

Although now that Hall is a zombie, he's impervious to further pain.

Florida Panthers


This team is Dallas-lite.  3rd in the East, they are only 5 points away from missing the playoffs.  Unlike Dallas, who could still wind up 7th or 8th, Florida is in an all-or-nothing position as they try to hold off Washington.  In all likelihood though, the Panthers will be playoff-bound for the first  time in a decade, after a near-complete roster overhaul.  They returned only 9 players from last year, and then traded Booth 6 games into the season.



Highlight: Versteeg is among their new players who have had a really positive impact on this team (and he was one of the few bright spots in my hockey pool).



Lowlight: Gm Dave Tallon had this to say regarding the Booth trade, for which the Panthers got Marco Sturm and Mikael Samuelsson: "We felt as far as an organization we get two top NHL players...".  Clearly Tallon doesn't watch the games, as those two are far from top NHL players.









Los Angeles Kings



Every year, I look through the teams before the season begins, and find myself terrified of the Kings.  Every year I think this will be the year they dominate.  I'm wrong every year.  They're certainly decent, but they find themselves in a fight for a playoff spot, and 3 of their final 5 games come on the road.


Highlight: A large part of why I jump to the conclusion that the Kings are a great team, goaltender Jon Quick currently has a 1.93 GAA, a .930 SVP, and 9 shutouts.  Nearly any other year those are Vezina numbers.

Lowlight: Dustin Penner provided one of the best punchlines of the year by injuring himself, and I quote, "reaching for more of my wife's delicious pancakes."  To his credit, he poked fun at himself in further interviews, and it led to fans doing things like this:

You know what, can I change this to their season highlight instead?

Minnesota Wild


On December 11th, the Wild were the best team in the league.  You read that right.  Since then, however, they are the league's worst team.  You read that right too.  Their poor fanbase has to deal with that absolute nosedive along with the fact that the club's is one of the most ironic names in history.


Highlight: Rookie coach Mike Yeo had this team playing above and beyond their potential and looked to be a serious contender for the Coach of the Year award.

Lowlight: ... And then the players remembered that they're the Wild.  Now, they're out of the playoff picture, and have a -45 goal differential.  That's atrocious for a team that supposedly is a defence-first team.




Montreal Canadiens


The last place team in the East, despite having an all-star goalie in Carey Price.  Why?  Because their offensive weapons were non-existant.  Scott Gomez went over a calendar year without scoring, and he's eating up $7 million of their payroll.  It's also probably telling that I didn't use that as their lowlight...  Oh, and this team decided that they could use Kaberle and acquired him from the Hurricanes (still somehow not the lowlight).


Highlight: Max Pacioretty is a 30 goal scorer a season after having his neck broken on a hit by Zdeno Chara.  Good for you, Max.

Lowlight: Even after throwing some pretty bad stuff into their synopsis, I still have a tie for their lowlight.  This team traded Cammalleri in the middle of a game!  Seriously?!  I think I have to give the edge to their coaching "controversy" though.  The city of Montreal lost their collective minds when the Canadiens hired Randy Cunningworth as their head coach because he doesn't speak French.  This is clearly a catastrophe despite the fact that their coach back when they were a dynasty didn't speak French.  And maybe this would be a legitimate gripe if translators didn't exist, but they do, so get over yourselves.  Also, Montreal, please don't lose it on me for not using the accent in your city's name.  I did it so you could practice staying calm.




Nashville Predators


Unlike the Kings, this team is legitimately scary.  They play amazing defense, somehow have the best PP in the league, and loaded up at the trade deadline for what could be a serious run at the Cup.  They also extended Pekka Rinne's contract.  I hear he's a pretty good goalie.


Highlight: This team traded for Hal Gill, giving them a Suter-Weber, Gill-Klein top 4 defense.  Right there, they addressed what knocked them out of last year's playoffs.  Ryan Kesler had his way with them because Suter and Weber matched up against the Sedins, allowing Kesler to single-handedly eliminate Nashville.  You'd better believe that won't be the case this year.

Lowlight: Rinne is tied for the league lead win 41 wins, but isn't in the top 5 in either GAA or SVP.  That's because he's had multiple games this year where he struggles with consistency.  If he maintains his form, it's a non-issue, but it has to be in the back of their fans' minds.

Rinne is also the recipient of the NHL's prestigious Niel Patrick Harris lookalike award.

New Jersey Devils


Martin Brodeur is clearly not the same goalie he once was.  Even so, he's been good enough to make this a team that will once again be in the playoffs.  With a likely matchup against the Florida Panthers, the Devils have a chance to make a bit of noise come April.


Highlight: Rookie Adam Henrique will be in the Calder discussion along with Landeskog and Nugent-Hopkins and rightfully so.

Lowlight: Brodeur still getting it done just underscores that this team needs to find a legitimate number 1 goalie to replace him.  I could be wrong, but I don't think Hedberg is that guy.  This team doesn't feel as if they have a proper identity right now.




New York Islanders

The Islanders have the offensive ability to score 3 goals per game, but unfortunately have the defensive incompetence to allow 4.  Just as often as Moulsson and Tavares provide offense though, the team dries up offensively.  The feast or famine quality to their season leaves the Islanders starving more often than not.  They've been shut out 9 times this year.

Highlight: Matt Moulsson .  He gets dogged for being one-dimensional, but let's be honest, when that dimension is "putting the puck into the net a lot", you can live with it.  Hell, you should want to live with it.

Lowlight: Rick DiPietro is arguably the biggest punch line in the NHL.  But unlike Penner, who is funny in the Ha-ha way, DiPietro is funny in the makes-you-want-to-curl-into-a-ball-and-weep way, which is to say, the opposite of funny.  Seriously, the most he has done to deserve his 15-year, $67.5 million contract is getting healthy long enough to re-injure himself.  Screw Wall Street, Occupy DiPietro.

Oh... Never mind, you're clearly busy with... whatever this is. 

New York Rangers


For the moment, the Rangers are the class of the East. The blueshirts should be in the East finals, so we can look forward to plenty of John Tortarella antics.  But if they bow out early, I desperately want TSN to hire him for their panel.  One key to the Rangers success (but certainly not the only key) has been the simple fact that they're healthy.  They're a very good team when healthy, which has been an unfortunate rarity for them over the past several seasons.


Highlight: Remember when I said that Quick would win the Vezina nearly any other year?  Say hi to the reason he won't.  Henrik Lundqvist has 8 shutouts, one less than Quick.  But he edges Quick with a 1.93 GAA (tecnically a tie) and a .932 SVP.  Beyond the numbers though, Lundqvist simply has another level; one that has earned him the rightful nickname "King".


Lowlight: Artem Anisimov racks up 16 PIMs celebrating a goal by "shooting" the Tampa goal.  Begin at the 0:45 mark.  As a bonus, you get to hear the audio of Torts and the ref talking.








Ottawa Senators


The Senators are trying to hold onto a playoff spot and represent Canada in the East.  A month ago, it looked as if they were a lock for a playoff spot, now it's just probable.  Even if they do make it, can they knock off the Rangers or the Bruins?  Well, all I can say is that this is a team that can fall apart against average teams, but can also beat the Penguins 8-4.  In other words, I have no idea.


Highlight:  Erik Karlsson currently has 27 more points than any other defenseman.  He's been criticized by some (including myself) for not being all that defensively sound, but in all fairness, scoring a goal is just as effective as stopping the other team from scoring.  Maybe he's just trying to usher in a new defensive style where on a later shift he feels justified in letting his check skate by him seeing as he's already scored, so it just negates a goal against.


Lowlight: Down the stretch, goaltender Anderson injured his finger, keeping him out of action.  Since his return, he's played as if his hand was amputated.  This team needs better between the pipes.








Philadelphia Flyers


In the offseason, the Flyers sent Mike Richards on his way, making Claude Giroux the focal point of their offensive game.  Good call.  He's third in the league in scoring, could win the Hart trophy, and along with the ageless Jagr, mask Bryzgalov's occasional incompetence.


Highlight: The emergence of Scott Hartnell over the past two seasons has been wonderful to watch.  He looks as if he's having fun out there every night (Hartnell down!) and edges Dustin Penner for funniest thing of the season with his "Suck it Phaneuf!" gem.


Lowlight: Chris Pronger, their captain and defensive cornerstone sustained a severe concussion and was shut down by the team for the season.  That was a huge blow to this team and will ultimately prove costly come playoff time.








Phoenix Coyotes


Does any team over-achieve as much as the Coyotes do?  There are serious talks they could be located in Quebec City (keep calm about the absent accent guys) next year, yet may be playoff-bound (they sit one point out of the picture right now).  The city of Glendale committed nearly $25 million to keep the Coyotes in Phoenix for this season, and the team responded by playing dead-puck hockey to an incredibly effective, boring "T".


Highlight: Fans showed up to games.


Lowlight: They fell asleep during it.








Pittsburgh Penguins


Think back to the start of the season.  It was becoming apparent that Crosby wouldn't be back anytime soon due to his concussion.  You looked at this team and thought, well, they're good, but not great, or even really good.  Then Malkin announced he would try this year.  Yeah, apparently the player who was unanimously considered really good, wasn't trying.  And boy, when he does: he leads the league with 99 points, and the Pens (now healthy) are the 4th best team in the entire league.

Highlight: Oh come on, nothing was going to top this.  In 16 games this year, Crosby has recorded 25 points.


Lowlight: Between Malkin, Crosby, Jordan Staal, and Tyler Kennedy (all centers), the Penguins have lost 110 man-games to injury.  Imagine the season that could have been.




San Jose Sharks


If you read my blog regularly, it's no secret that I'm not a fan of Joe Thornton, or the Sharks in general.  I've bemoaned their makeup for several years, and this year it may come back to bite them.  As it stands now, the Sharks sit in 8th in the West, only one point from missing the playoffs (although they're also only one point from the Pacific division lead and finishing 3rd).  Their fates do rest entirely in their hands though: their final 4 games are a back-to-back with Dallas (current division leaders) followed by a back-to-back with LA (with whom they are currently tied).


Highlight: Logan Couture (who I do like; San Jose, you should immediately build around Couture) has pretty much single-handedly given the Sharks the opportunity to make the playoffs.  And, oh yeah, this is only his second season in the league.

Lowlight: Their whole season really.  With largely the same team that went to the Western Conference Finals last year, they might miss the dance entirely this year.




St. Louis Blues

Can you think of a team that at the start of the season, no one thought would be a contender? (It's easy: Columbus)  Well can you think of any of those teams who have solidified themselves as serious contenders?  The Blues are the best team in the whole league (currently tied with the Rangers with 105 points)!  They were 6-7 when Ken Hitchcock took over; since then they're 42-13-9.

Highlight: The main reason that the Blues have had success this year has been the play of their two goalies.  Starter Joroslav Halak is 25-11-6 with a 1.90 GAA (which is 2nd best in the league).  Oh, and he's 6th in SVP and 4th with 6 shutouts.  Backup Brian Elliot is 23-9-3 with a league-leading 1.48 GAA.  If that's not enough to impress you, his SVP is .943 and he has 9 shutouts.  He leads the league in every goalie category except for wins, but only because he's their backup!

Lowlight: Um... that it took them 13 games to hire Hitchcock I guess...




Tampa Bay Lightning


Like the San Jose Sharks, the Lightning lost in the Conference Finals last season.  Unlike the Sharks, the Lightning will certainly miss the playoffs this year.  This has led to many writing off last year as a fluke, but I disagree.  Exhibit A: the highlight.  Exhibit B: the lowlight.  They'll be just fine.


Highlight: Someone take Steven Stamkos off of video game mode.  Dude has 55 goals, 9 more than Malkin.  Unquestionably the best pure scorer in the league at the moment.

Lowlight: Tampa shut down defenseman Matthias Ohlund before the season began so that he could have surgery on both his knees.  The surgeries were done so that he will be able to play with a much lower risk of developing chronic knee problems in the future.  A season without your best defenseman is going to be a tough one no matter who you are.




Toronto Maple Leafs


Brain Burke has not done a good job in Toronto.  One good acquisition he's made has been Phil Kessel, although he had to give up the pick that turned into Tyler Seguin, and you've already read how that season series turned out.  A season that had legitimate post-season aspirations is dead: the Leafs are mathematically eliminated from the playoffs... again.  This makes it 7 years running.


Highlight: Kessel had his traditional fast start (just like the team).  This year however, he's kept his pace up (unlike the team).  His 36 goals make a career-high for him, playing on a line with the rejuvinated Lupul.

Lowlight: This team fell apart down the stretch.  Add to that the fact that neither Reimer nor Gustavsson has made a resounding claim to the starting goalie spot, and it could be a long year next season for the Leafs... again.




Vancouver Canucks


The Canucks have once again taken advantage of the fact that they play in the Northwest divison; they locked up their division before any team other than St. Louis had even clinched a playoff berth.  They got David Booth from Florida in a one-sided deal, and can finish no lower than 2nd place in the West.


Highlight: The second best goaltending tandem in the league.  Roberto Luongo has come into form down the stretch, and Cory Schnieder has been great all year (2nd best SVP in the league).

Lowlight: After they beat the Bruins on January 7th, the Canucks began a two month period where they played bad hockey.  They continued to gather points in the standings somehow, but were doing so in the worst, most uninterested way.  An NHL coach reportedly said "Oh, the Canucks are jsut playing 70% right now", which is all very well and good for the last couple weeks, but not for two straight months.




Washington Capitals


The Caps find themselves in a race with Buffalo for the last playoff spot in the East.  This season, they've fired coach Bruce Boudreau and under Dale Hunter, begun to play a more complete style of hockey.  They also made the best off-season acquisition in Thomas Vokoun for $1.5 million.


Highlight: Ovechkin is peaking at the right time.  In March, he has 10 goals in 14 games.

Lowlight: The once-reveared Mike Green is an afterthought due to injury and poor play.




Winnipeg Jets


The Jets have returned to Winnipeg!  (But not the Jets who left in the first place, but another franchise, meaning the Jets' all-time leading scorer has never played a game for them, but nevermind because the Jets are back!)  The Jets had the opportunity to be the worst team in the league and not have any of their fans harp on them for it.  Rather than fall back on that, they chose to play like gods at home for their fans and nearly make the playoffs.


Highlight: The Jets fans proved to Gary Bettman just how another Canadian franchise would fair with a strong economy when the club sold their 13,000 season tickets in 17 minutes.

Lowlight: They may have played like gods at home, but on the road, this team was still the Thrashers.


*Credit To Alex Chipman Koty for fact checking my mistakes, as well as weighing in on his Kings highlight of the year: